I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
