I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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