Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
