I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
