We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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