Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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