So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
