I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize