Texts From Last Night · wifey213's Favorites

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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(858): View more from California

My sheets look like a crime scene.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I found somebody to have a 3 sum with

(586): View more from Michigan

shutup! Who?!?

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha April fools!

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(613): View more from Ontario

New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.

(1-613): View more from Ontario

We are no longer friends.

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(905): View more from Toronto

I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?

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(231): View more from Michigan

i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror

(906): View more from Michigan

its going to be a good night

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(316): View more from Kansas

She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.

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(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

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(501): View more from Arkansas

thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(425): View more from Washington

If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(+61): View more from Australia

i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be

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(518): View more from New York

for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(678): View more from Georgia

Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

(816): View more from Missouri

i hope so.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(314): View more from Missouri

we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(802): View more from Vermont

Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.

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(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

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(254): View more from Texas

I see lights

(512): View more from Texas

Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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