Texts From Last Night · unmemorablehero's Favorites

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unmemorablehero's Favorites Texts:

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(302): View more from Delaware

just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(614): View more from Ohio

Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(407): View more from Florida

Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(240): View more from Maryland

seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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(425): View more from Washington

They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"

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(678): View more from Georgia

For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(501): View more from Arkansas

What happened to him?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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(514): View more from Quebec

theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero

(514): View more from Quebec

like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(206): View more from Washington

After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked

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(315): View more from New York

I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(516): View more from New York

I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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(903): View more from Texas

So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(314): View more from Missouri

WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink

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(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(239): View more from Florida

they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(64): View more from New Zealand

Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just look for the house with the beer knights.

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(916): View more from California

I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk

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(636): View more from Missouri

I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand

(816): View more from Missouri

team rage. no explanation necessary

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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(813): View more from Florida

His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(270): View more from Kentucky

If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(229): View more from Georgia

She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(616): View more from Michigan

You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(613): View more from Ontario

at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(567): View more from Ohio

i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(419): View more from Ohio

He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(502): View more from Kentucky

At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(847): View more from Illinois

just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career

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(616): View more from Michigan

the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(863): View more from Florida

if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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