Texts From Last Night · said8ED's Favorites

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said8ED's Favorites Texts:

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(647): View more from Ontario

Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

(416): View more from Toronto

I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

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(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She just said, "are my livers going to die?"

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(207): View more from Maine

She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

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(518): View more from New York

my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(415): View more from California

Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(619): View more from California

Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex

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(702): View more from Nevada

she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(530): View more from California

The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(941): View more from Florida

i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(516): View more from New York

Man, jail baloney is awful.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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(713): View more from Texas

Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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(360): View more from Washington

No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(917): View more from New York City

my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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said8ED's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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