Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
