Texts From Last Night · robral's Favorites

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robral's Favorites Texts:

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?

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(415): View more from California

He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.

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(513): View more from Ohio

A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one

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(646): View more from New York

Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.

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(903): View more from Texas

The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My penis needs a shock collar

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life

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(425): View more from Washington

There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.

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(954): View more from Florida

She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u

(815): View more from Illinois

U act like I can cum on command

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(602): View more from Arizona

Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.

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(801): View more from Utah

Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(423): View more from Tennessee

In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.

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(510): View more from California

Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'

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(729): View more from

Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

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(440): View more from Ohio

This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?

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(305): View more from Florida

I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.

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(646): View more from New York

I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat

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(407): View more from Florida

Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.

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(360): View more from Washington

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

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(914): View more from New York

He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.

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(317): View more from Indiana

it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

On my way

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(440): View more from Ohio

You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(727): View more from Florida

I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Please never have kids.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off

(720): View more from Colorado

I mean come on

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(914): View more from New York

All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point

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(520): View more from Arizona

Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Priorities

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(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Two dicks, one me.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yoga's definitely paying off.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(205): View more from Alabama

There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?

(541): View more from Oregon

CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Happy you have kids and I don't day!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.

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(631): View more from New York

are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?

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(305): View more from Florida

If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

I'm coming right back.

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(425): View more from Washington

1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(207): View more from Maine

You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me

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(330): View more from Ohio

Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.

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(906): View more from Michigan

hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong

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(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area

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(727): View more from Florida

On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired

(727): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me

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(913): View more from Kansas

I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.

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(386): View more from Florida

She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.

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(631): View more from New York

if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.

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(541): View more from Oregon

is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??

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(775): View more from Nevada

My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Next. Level. Shit.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.

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(315): View more from New York

Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk

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(541): View more from Oregon

Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(903): View more from Texas

I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward

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(801): View more from Utah

Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die

(1-616): View more from Michigan

that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida

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(314): View more from Missouri

"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.

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(925): View more from California

I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.

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(949): View more from California

Amanda bynes is my spirit animal

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(313): View more from Michigan

Why are you there anyways?

(248): View more from Michigan

Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(916): View more from California

Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner

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(213): View more from California

2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.

(301): View more from Maryland

You have a very discerning palate.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me

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(904): View more from Florida

He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..

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(636): View more from Missouri

She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm going through a really dark time right now

(214): View more from Texas

I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

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(239): View more from Florida

Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.

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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

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(312): View more from Illinois

If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.

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(435): View more from Utah

I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(906): View more from Michigan

When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.

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(562): View more from California

Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.

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(334): View more from Alabama

this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him

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(989): View more from Michigan

She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.

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(541): View more from Oregon

stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms

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(301): View more from Maryland

by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...

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(513): View more from Ohio

My booty call just moved 2 min from my house

(1-513): View more from Ohio

This has pregnancy written all over it

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?

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(720): View more from Colorado

What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im in the post action - pre consequence stage.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

(860): View more from Connecticut

Tuesday

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(317): View more from Indiana

My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight

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(616): View more from Michigan

We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(753): View more from

if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit

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(216): View more from Ohio

I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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(858): View more from California

Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

(1-858): View more from California

next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture

(410): View more from Maryland

dude you're not even a fucking science major

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(313): View more from Michigan

She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......

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(720): View more from Colorado

I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(269): View more from Michigan

When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

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(914): View more from New York

Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(309): View more from Illinois

They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.

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(903): View more from Texas

Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank

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(816): View more from Missouri

Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.

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(239): View more from Florida

Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?

(406): View more from Montana

Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril

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(616): View more from Michigan

this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!

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(631): View more from New York

She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it

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(360): View more from Washington

My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died

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(914): View more from New York

Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going

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(302): View more from Delaware

OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.

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(916): View more from California

Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.

(1-916): View more from California

Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.

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(469): View more from Texas

I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Great news I took pics last night

(908): View more from New Jersey

Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.

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(512): View more from Texas

I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.

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(516): View more from New York

People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your topless pictures make me question reality

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"

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(302): View more from Delaware

Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.

(206): View more from Washington

That would've been embarrassing.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(443): View more from Maryland

does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?

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(914): View more from New York

I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.

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(914): View more from New York

I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.

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(530): View more from California

When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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(406): View more from Montana

She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

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(517): View more from Michigan

And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.

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(562): View more from California

Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.

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(805): View more from California

Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"

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(516): View more from New York

He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak

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(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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(360): View more from Washington

Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.

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(914): View more from New York

I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.

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(210): View more from Texas

I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(818): View more from California

Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.

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(310): View more from California

The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear

(310): View more from California

We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm a sociology major remember

(301): View more from Maryland

Well that and comm

(479): View more from Arkansas

Basically you majored in how to get laid

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(315): View more from New York

My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years

(614): View more from Ohio

Not as covert as you thought huh?

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(813): View more from Florida

IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth

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(704): View more from North Carolina

From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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(435): View more from Utah

I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...

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(515): View more from Iowa

i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(512): View more from Texas

My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....

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(817): View more from Texas

Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

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(770): View more from Georgia

How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

(678): View more from Georgia

4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.

(303): View more from Colorado

That's all I've ever wanted.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?

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(434): View more from Virginia

Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

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(770): View more from Georgia

Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(620): View more from Kansas

So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?

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(425): View more from Washington

She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(424): View more from California

Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee

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(540): View more from Virginia

He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Um, OK. WTF?

(410): View more from Maryland

The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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(818): View more from California

Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(217): View more from Illinois

You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.

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(315): View more from New York

There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

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(613): View more from Ontario

but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If I was 5 years younger and single...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

She STILL wouldn't fuck you.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(569): View more from

we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh

(784): View more from St. Vincent/Grenadines

it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

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(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face

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(239): View more from Florida

And I might get them triple pierced after that

(631): View more from New York

Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

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(647): View more from Ontario

You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD

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(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012

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(479): View more from Arkansas

That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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(360): View more from Washington

ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

(425): View more from Washington

are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

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(518): View more from New York

Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.

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(754): View more from Florida

Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless

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(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

But theres a keg here and me gusta

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(714): View more from California

The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group

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(503): View more from Oregon

My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.

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(509): View more from Washington

Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game

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(515): View more from Iowa

Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(714): View more from California

The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!

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(850): View more from Florida

You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.

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(210): View more from Texas

IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(805): View more from California

If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

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(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.

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(214): View more from Texas

IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(843): View more from South Carolina

dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

successful birthday. 2012 rules

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(772): View more from Florida

Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.

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(818): View more from California

All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(518): View more from New York

I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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(757): View more from Virginia

You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

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(914): View more from New York

We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.

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(914): View more from New York

Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless

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(510): View more from California

Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"

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(850): View more from Florida

If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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(760): View more from California

don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(914): View more from New York

He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(845): View more from New York

im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(254): View more from Texas

They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(561): View more from Florida

Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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