Texts From Last Night · patronNunicornz's Favorites

Sorry aterribleperson hasn't picked any favorites yet.

patronNunicornz's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(847): View more from Illinois

i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college

Fav 5 3946 1019
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

Fav 8 3361 1242
share tweet

(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

Fav 18 4778 2541
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

Fav 12 5269 1384
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

Fav 14 7280 1217
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet

(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

Fav 9 5590 1262
share tweet

(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

Fav 15 4405 1464
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

Fav 11 4797 1278
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

Fav 18 5750 1666
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Fav 25 7003 1479
share tweet

(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

Fav 40 8364 1741
share tweet

(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9676 1869
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

Fav 9 6552 1276
share tweet

(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

Fav 5 3435 1108
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

Fav 3 4218 1048
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what

Fav 3 4062 1010
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

Fav 9 6459 1538
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2404
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

Fav 10 5494 1625
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

Fav 22 5597 1467
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

Fav 9 6873 1363
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

Fav 10 8136 1490
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

Fav 11 8843 1336
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10581 1521
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

Fav 8 7574 1344
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

Fav 5 4060 1288
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22258 1880
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

Fav 25 4998 1359
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

Fav 10 3814 1379
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

Fav 17 3736 1769
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

Fav 5 4950 1234
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

Fav 6 3355 1469
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

Fav 11 9479 1437
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

Fav 12 4376 1388
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

Fav 11 7470 1415
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

Fav 34 6535 2040
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

Fav 12 1478 4325
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

Fav 15 4739 1665
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

Fav 6 3421 1100
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

Fav 11 4833 1562
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

Fav 11 5684 1197
share tweet
(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

Fav 11 8424 1470
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

Fav 15 4455 1266
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

Fav 49 8103 1610
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

Fav 24 7153 1393
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

Fav 5 3663 1233
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work

Fav 11 2387 1266
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

Fav 15 6618 2288
share tweet
(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

Fav 55 7409 1866
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

Fav 18 3622 2844
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

Fav 12 4895 1691
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

Fav 16 3494 1768
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

Fav 20 3584 1577
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

Fav 4 3627 1269
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

Fav 20 5725 2369
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7139 1389
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

Fav 6 5384 1806
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

Fav 12 4197 1789
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

Fav 24 10561 1388
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

Fav 6 4997 1253
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

Fav 35 8844 1637
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15078 1927
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8444 56809
share tweet
(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

Fav 128 8701 62495
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot

Fav 4 3635 744
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

Fav 28 7342 1394
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67828 4684
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115821 11196
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106496 10566
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10745
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137224 6911
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178651 8184
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

Fav 9 5388 1197
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

Fav 10 6012 1317
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

Fav 9 5821 1239
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

Fav 9 5690 1305
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

Fav 12 6038 1522
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

Fav 15 6021 1684
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

Fav 17 6056 1898
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

Fav 16 6144 1695
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

Fav 15 5945 2035
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

Fav 19 6064 2039
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

Fav 25 6134 1423
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

Fav 15 6202 1334
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

Fav 14 6216 1922
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6710 1847
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

Fav 14 6544 1598
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

Fav 25 6252 1524
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

Fav 39 6274 1448
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

Fav 22 7096 2088
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

Fav 13 6516 1433
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

Fav 6 6630 1166
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

Fav 31 6433 1388
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

Fav 16 6912 1402
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

Fav 17 6531 1230
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

Fav 16 7311 1333
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

Fav 28 7183 2134
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

Fav 24 7976 1409
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

Fav 12 8022 1325
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

Fav 16 9972 1747
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

Fav 20 9287 2023
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

Fav 12 9610 1600
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

Fav 28 10161 1427
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12280 1355
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

Fav 18 10113 1409
share tweet
(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

Fav 4 3247 1319
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

Fav 7 3763 1222
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

Fav 6 3670 1256
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

Fav 4 3808 1411
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.

Fav 9 3537 1475
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

Fav 8 4752 1668
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

Fav 27 3981 1575
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

Fav 10 4961 1324
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

Fav 6 4272 1268
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

Fav 5 3948 1103
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

Fav 14 5098 1397
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked

Fav 6 4036 1160
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

Fav 10 4946 1486
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

Fav 7 4915 1390
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

Fav 7 4941 1898
share tweet
(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

Fav 15 5195 2262
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

Fav 7 6279 1172
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

Fav 7 6914 1415
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

Fav 8 7325 1564
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

Fav 11 6097 1295
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

Fav 11 6082 1254
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

Fav 12 8407 2199
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

Fav 12 9030 1338
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

Fav 20 9617 1698
share tweet

patronNunicornz's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Quick! While no one's looking

Click this little button for TFLN texts and updates

We also send dope emails

Forget to check the site? We’ll send our best texts, memes and weekly shenanigans straight to your inbox.

already like us? well thanks! click here.