Texts From Last Night · lovedrunk2259's Favorites

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lovedrunk2259's Favorites Texts:

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(571): View more from Virginia

every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(404): View more from Georgia

They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(708): View more from Illinois

chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(573): View more from Missouri

I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.

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(562): View more from California

Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....

(949): View more from California

Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back

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(650): View more from California

in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",

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(650): View more from California

from now on my penis is your penis

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(517): View more from Michigan

Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(607): View more from New York

since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(778): View more from British Columbia

working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(650): View more from California

you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!

(1-650): View more from California

noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(650): View more from California

i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

doesn't he have a GF?

(248): View more from Michigan

that just means you have to try harder.

(248): View more from Michigan

i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...

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(817): View more from Texas

you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag

(817): View more from Texas

could you get any more awkward?

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

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(706): View more from Georgia

dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there

(217): View more from Illinois

Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

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(309): View more from Illinois

dude do u know what u did last night?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

do i wanna know???

(309): View more from Illinois

you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(650): View more from California

I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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(303): View more from Colorado

GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(219): View more from Indiana

So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.

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(415): View more from California

just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(712): View more from Iowa

She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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(802): View more from Vermont

Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

(802): View more from Vermont

Tonite tequila might call you

(802): View more from Vermont

Be prepared

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(817): View more from Texas

Midnight walks are trippy

(1-817): View more from Texas

I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(817): View more from Texas

I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(817): View more from Texas

just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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(817): View more from Texas

so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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(817): View more from Texas

maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(253): View more from Washington

girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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