Texts From Last Night · hgfields's Favorites

hgfields's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

Fav 21 1779 5037
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2074
share tweet

(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

Fav 27 1586 7488
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

does that include her cleaning your bowl?

Fav 10 6157 1506
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast

Fav 26 1485 7939
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

Fav 13 6539 1519
share tweet

(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17640 1900
share tweet

(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7280
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

Fav 25 7205 2117
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7265 1329
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

Fav 10 6620 1700
share tweet

(208): View more from Idaho

I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

Fav 21 1581 5625
share tweet

(424): View more from California

I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

Fav 11 6021 1562
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

Fav 30 10276 2649
share tweet

(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

Fav 59 2673 9130
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12651 1610
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

Fav 36 8344 1744
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

Fav 10 6371 2065
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

Fav 17 5274 1522
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

Fav 17 4895 1382
share tweet
(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

Fav 26 8559 1834
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

Fav 11 1405 4363
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6222 1375
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

Fav 10 7084 1438
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1526
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1843
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

Fav 22 8472 1331
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

Fav 45 1707 8377
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

Fav 30 3343 5376
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

Fav 19 6769 1259
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

Fav 13 1327 6222
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

Fav 72 1694 16787
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Fav 56 14264 1987
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

Fav 22 6614 1329
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

Fav 56 7376 2494
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

Fav 15 5564 1460
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

Fav 8 5345 1164
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

Fav 14 6516 1388
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

Fav 52 16746 2241
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

Fav 7 4063 1085
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

Fav 18 5241 1422
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

Fav 10 1244 5621
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

Fav 12 6416 2116
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...

Fav 12 3214 4778
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

Fav 8 6656 1836
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 18 8393 2640
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

Fav 20 5110 3051
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

Fav 33 2290 5851
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

Fav 12 1578 5155
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8897 1669
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

Fav 67 8980 2446
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

Fav 39 8287 1423
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5917
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

Fav 11 1278 6860
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1737 9113
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

Fav 12 8207 1206
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1539
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

Fav 21 8681 1232
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

Fav 16 6321 1311
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

Fav 14 7157 1813
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16367 2071
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

Fav 23 7710 1339
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2810 8428
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

Fav 24 2214 7168
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

Fav 63 12145 2451
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

Fav 9 5263 1541
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3370
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

Fav 14 6010 1281
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

Fav 39 8122 1750
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

Fav 9 5103 1313
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12016 1274
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

Fav 6 4360 1037
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

Fav 38 12619 1473
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

Fav 30 10295 1470
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

Fav 25 10844 1465
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

Fav 37 7837 1301
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

Fav 14 5271 1944
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8384 1219
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12044 1490
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.

Fav 12 5195 1277
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

Fav 9 1933 4648
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

Fav 46 13844 2508
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

Fav 9 6683 1323
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

Fav 6 4460 1603
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16061 1748
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

Fav 17 8659 1213
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

Fav 16 2651 6117
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

Fav 21 6830 1356
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

Fav 19 5998 1584
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

Fav 12 1548 5999
share tweet
(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

Fav 24 7904 1330
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

Fav 21 6719 1552
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

Fav 14 6247 1716
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7664 1536
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

Fav 24 6868 1642
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

Fav 15 2649 5089
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

Fav 26 11193 1311
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

Fav 29 7521 1269
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

Fav 8 2078 3317
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

Fav 9 6045 1348
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

Fav 9 2359 5104
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1549
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.

Fav 23 4372 1264
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

Fav 21 8881 1329
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....

Fav 16 4852 1219
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

Fav 20 6192 1460
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

Fav 19 3576 3744
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

Fav 8 1781 4734
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13371 1543
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.

Fav 30 3969 1670
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He passed out mid-signature

Fav 4 4228 1467
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

Fav 15 8154 1197
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

Fav 39 4570 5723
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

Fav 29 7103 2055
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28704 1989
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1746 9253
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7173 1508
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

Fav 7 6380 1185
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11987 1526
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

Fav 8 4943 1590
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

Fav 24 7915 2103
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day

Fav 13 1284 5090
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

Fav 14 5314 3024
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

Fav 23 1495 8224
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

Fav 13 5592 2022
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

Fav 14 10230 1429
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1830
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

Fav 38 2404 8181
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

Fav 39 6720 1953
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

Fav 6 6185 1601
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19952 1706
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

Fav 14 6887 1607
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

Fav 13 6993 1710
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

Fav 37 3793 5113
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2413
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

Fav 16 6764 1430
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

Fav 8 6359 1484
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!

Fav 21 4756 1238
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

Fav 7 1237 4906
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive

Fav 24 5449 1226
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

Fav 19 5810 2195
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

Fav 20 1841 5858
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19431 1705
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1639
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

Fav 34 5927 1766
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

Fav 12 6304 1489
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

Fav 10 5793 1407
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

Fav 17 5943 1650
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

Fav 7 5571 1220
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

Fav 16 8298 1276
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

Fav 41 1528 3259
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

Fav 5 2843 1495
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

Fav 32 1111 3283
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Fav 14 6454 1368
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

Fav 15 1561 3512
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Fav 14 2784 4166
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?

Fav 5 2972 1231
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

Fav 10 4512 2740
share tweet
(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

Fav 12 6922 1247
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6901 1469
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up

Fav 10 5082 1055
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

Fav 12 4365 1611
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28216 5130
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

Fav 38 2949 6671
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

Fav 27 10632 1167
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

Fav 19 5731 1589
share tweet
(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

Fav 43 5387 2099
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval

Fav 7 7398 1069
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

Fav 9 7957 1112
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

Fav 45 8323 1531
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

Fav 18 10022 1563
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

Fav 6 3753 1088
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

Fav 10 5582 1012
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

Fav 13 6244 1298
share tweet