Texts From Last Night · djquecumber's Favorites

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(630): View more from Illinois

we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple

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(630): View more from Illinois

something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just remember telling jokes while vomitting

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(630): View more from Illinois

i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

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(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(630): View more from Illinois

She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

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(630): View more from Illinois

yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"

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(630): View more from Illinois

the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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(408): View more from California

I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

(312): View more from Illinois

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

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(214): View more from Texas

There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.

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(818): View more from California

He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent

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(703): View more from Virginia

bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am

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(209): View more from California

Responsibility does not care about your dick.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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(416): View more from Toronto

"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.

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(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.

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(510): View more from California

God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?

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(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

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(310): View more from California

Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(207): View more from Maine

I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students

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(916): View more from California

I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(347): View more from New York

she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.

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(207): View more from Maine

can u get pink eye on your cock?

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(419): View more from Ohio

There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

(1-334): View more from Alabama

You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

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(310): View more from California

Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.

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(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college

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(952): View more from Minnesota

you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

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(678): View more from Georgia

Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark

(1-678): View more from Georgia

...

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(631): View more from New York

I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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(706): View more from Georgia

Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(914): View more from New York

I faked an abortion last night.

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(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

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(818): View more from California

Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party

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(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(720): View more from Colorado

just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

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(313): View more from Michigan

I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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(347): View more from New York

i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(217): View more from Illinois

It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.

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(317): View more from Indiana

just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(586): View more from Michigan

there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.

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(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode

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(970): View more from Colorado

we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome

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(334): View more from Alabama

She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

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(754): View more from Florida

do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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(813): View more from Florida

she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Da na na, na na naa

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(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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(913): View more from Kansas

is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

(312): View more from Illinois

you sound like my dream girl

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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