no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
