Texts From Last Night · brifol77's Favorites

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brifol77's Favorites Texts:

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.

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(316): View more from Kansas

As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(256): View more from Alabama

The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...

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(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

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(949): View more from California

you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(716): View more from New York

I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean

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(419): View more from Ohio

apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(562): View more from California

Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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(932): View more from

The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change

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(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(845): View more from New York

oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(203): View more from Connecticut

sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts

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(478): View more from Georgia

I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(+44): View more from England

His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(914): View more from New York

i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.

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(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(810): View more from Michigan

i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(707): View more from California

that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it

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(810): View more from Michigan

Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(440): View more from Ohio

pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(740): View more from Ohio

my lips still taste like vagina

(1-740): View more from Ohio

so you liked breakfast?

(740): View more from Ohio

ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

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(616): View more from Michigan

its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(713): View more from Texas

I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?

(845): View more from New York

Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I look better un-naked...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(716): View more from New York

I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat

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(214): View more from Texas

I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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(845): View more from New York

i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.

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(818): View more from California

I regularly think about how cool your nickname is

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(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

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(408): View more from California

You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(330): View more from Ohio

My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Potential corruption. He's 19.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Get them while they're young!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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(432): View more from Texas

My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(516): View more from New York

sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(540): View more from Virginia

ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(858): View more from California

He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

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(440): View more from Ohio

D3 body, D1 cock

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home

(248): View more from Michigan

r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll just stay a virgin forever then

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

You still have to go anyway

(856): View more from New Jersey

Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(347): View more from New York

i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(757): View more from Virginia

then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(408): View more from California

Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(406): View more from Montana

That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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(650): View more from California

I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(917): View more from New York City

its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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(912): View more from Georgia

Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(303): View more from Colorado

he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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(631): View more from New York

So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am engaged

(262): View more from Wisconsin

To a real live girl that has met me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou

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(314): View more from Missouri

I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(850): View more from Florida

Please dont jizz on my ds screen.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(716): View more from New York

I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you

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(256): View more from Alabama

'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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(305): View more from Florida

Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(310): View more from California

...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

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(305): View more from Florida

I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.

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(713): View more from Texas

this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy

(1-713): View more from Texas

well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(512): View more from Texas

This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(208): View more from Idaho

She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her

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(323): View more from California

How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?

(213): View more from California

It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?

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(315): View more from New York

Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(410): View more from Maryland

He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(650): View more from California

I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history

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(678): View more from Georgia

No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(845): View more from New York

I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(323): View more from California

Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.

(562): View more from California

The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt

(323): View more from California

fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me

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(630): View more from Illinois

shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

you dont need a face to have sex

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(630): View more from Illinois

if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems

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(913): View more from Kansas

very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.

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(303): View more from Colorado

well if you came here i would keep you awake :*

(1-303): View more from Colorado

did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(936): View more from Texas

im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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(214): View more from Texas

Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.

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(718): View more from New York

I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot

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(281): View more from Texas

Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him

(1-281): View more from Texas

college has opened so many doors for you

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(301): View more from Maryland

He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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(305): View more from Florida

so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

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(509): View more from Washington

my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.

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