Texts From Last Night · MadHaunter92's Favorites

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MadHaunter92's Favorites Texts:

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(479): View more from Arkansas

DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Um, OK. WTF?

(410): View more from Maryland

The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

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(631): View more from New York

Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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(703): View more from Virginia

After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational

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(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

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(707): View more from California

Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.

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(518): View more from New York

Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

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(310): View more from California

Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.

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(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

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(626): View more from California

You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice

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(224): View more from Illinois

my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno

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(903): View more from Texas

is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation

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(361): View more from Texas

I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.

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(407): View more from Florida

I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.

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(631): View more from New York

My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?

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(310): View more from California

I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror

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(361): View more from Texas

He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.

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(771): View more from

Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.

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(425): View more from Washington

My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do

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(234): View more from Ohio

I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.

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(213): View more from California

She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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(713): View more from Texas

My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"

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(212): View more from New York

Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?

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(716): View more from New York

Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree

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(212): View more from New York

You're the only person not starstruck by him

(302): View more from Delaware

Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.

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(209): View more from California

Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(352): View more from Florida

This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(619): View more from California

After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.

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(714): View more from California

He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.

(1-714): View more from California

That is my stoner wet dream!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...

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(660): View more from Missouri

He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you just miss his friendship.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You are living the dream.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.

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(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.

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(515): View more from Iowa

yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

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(512): View more from Texas

We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.

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(305): View more from Florida

What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..

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(714): View more from California

I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(512): View more from Texas

So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?

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(425): View more from Washington

I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life

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(850): View more from Florida

I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass

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(315): View more from New York

i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm gonna eat you out. But for science

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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(415): View more from California

After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(518): View more from New York

Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Didn't you used to babysit him?

(607): View more from New York

18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.

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(514): View more from Quebec

In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?

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(323): View more from California

Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"

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(407): View more from Florida

She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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(240): View more from Maryland

the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference

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(702): View more from Nevada

The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys

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(315): View more from New York

so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink

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(206): View more from Washington

I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(818): View more from California

I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.

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(716): View more from New York

We found Mulan.

(409): View more from Texas

I thought you were in bed what the hell

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(847): View more from Illinois

I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

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(315): View more from New York

HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(310): View more from California

Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school

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(707): View more from California

He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

eta to your mouth 5 minutes

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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth

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(919): View more from North Carolina

it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay

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(559): View more from California

Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

(707): View more from California

Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So like, boobs.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

are you really going to start every conversation like that?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.

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(315): View more from New York

Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.

(503): View more from Oregon

......how on earth do you do that?

(425): View more from Washington

NINJAAAA

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?

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(760): View more from California

And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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(831): View more from California

I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room

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(303): View more from Colorado

He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways

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(765): View more from Indiana

DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!

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(941): View more from Florida

My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer

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(716): View more from New York

The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(718): View more from New York

If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important

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(541): View more from Oregon

next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.

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(631): View more from New York

Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat

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(586): View more from Michigan

How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.

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(386): View more from Florida

Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".

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(734): View more from Michigan

Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(330): View more from Ohio

If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.

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(407): View more from Florida

He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.

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(775): View more from Nevada

We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

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(323): View more from California

She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.

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(858): View more from California

I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(585): View more from New York

I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(770): View more from Georgia

Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.

(865): View more from Tennessee

How do you even...

(770): View more from Georgia

The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.

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(425): View more from Washington

He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard

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(614): View more from Ohio

You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water

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(713): View more from Texas

I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.

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(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

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(310): View more from California

OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.

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(714): View more from California

I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

hahahah

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