my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I understand Curling. That high.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
