Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
