why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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