Sponge bath it is.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
