the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
