Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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