he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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