I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
