He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
