I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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