I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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