It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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