Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
