woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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