theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
