The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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