I think I won the penis lottery.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
