wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
