I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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