i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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