she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
