the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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