Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
