I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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