Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
