i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
