I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
