I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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