Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
