sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
