so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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